Holding Out For You
by Moderndaydrifter
Summary: Sometimes things end sooner than they are supposed to and people are shoved into situations they are never prepared for. It's how they handle these instances that differ the strong from the weak.
1. Chapter 1

Shattering glass. That was the first thing he noticed. And then he heard Tami's yelp pierce through his eardrums. Confusion overtook his senses. Closing his eyes tightly, he felt his fingers grasp the steering wheel tight, so tight that when he finally came back to reality, he almost couldn't let go. He wasn't sure what was dripping down from his forehead, but the quick taste on his lips was similar to a penny. Dabbing his fingertip near his hairline, he pulled his hand away and saw a drop of blood on his index finger. His attention was quickly pulled away from that and to his wife who lay motionless in the passenger seat.

"Tami?" His voice was raspy so he cleared his throat. "Tami, are you awake?" No response. Her eyes were closed, her body slumped down over the seat belt. Blood gushed from her head as well, only her's was worse and he couldn't tell where it was coming from. "Tami?" This time he raised his voice but she still didn't stir.

Glancing out of the front window, he peered through the cracked glass. People were circling around them, taking note to whatever had just transpired. He tried to open the door but a cop pushed it shut. "Stay in the car, sir. An ambulance is on the way. You don't need to move."

Eric wanted to argue with the man but he didn't have the energy. "My wife, she's not awake. We need to get her some help." His voice felt so distant, like someone had their hands over his ears.

"Sir, I said an ambulance was on the way. I'll have my partner come around and look, but we really can't move you guys."

Nodding, Eric averted his attention back to Tami, his heart pounding. He hated the fact that they just had to sit around and wait, it was like wasted time, but he knew that moving her could be a matter of life or death. Even with him there could be underlying injuries that he didn't know about yet. He just knew one thing, he needed to get her to a hospital fast.

Distant sirens could be heard and it settled him down some, but not near enough. So many thoughts were racing through his head, the main being his worry for Tami. What had happened? Was it a wreck? Who hit them, or really, who did they hit? Eric couldn't remember what was going on before the collision, just that he was rambling on about something football. Vertigo set in and he leaned his head back on the headrest to try and settle it.

"Coach Taylor, I'm gonna have to put you on a back board." The voice startled him, and he opened his eyes to see a paramedic leaning over him.

"I don't need it. You need to get my wife."

"We've got two guys over there getting her out right now. We gotta get you on this backboard though, gotta make sure you're okay."

Eric stared down at the instrument panel in front of him that was knocked loose and had fallen into the floorboard. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he tried to mask the discomfort that shot through his head when he moved. "I'm walking away from this, I'm not being put on a damn backboard." He scooted across his seat and planted his feet on the asphalt below, another wave of dizziness pounding at him. He wanted to puke so badly and he felt his gut wrench. Thankfully he only let out a few dry heaves.

"Coach, we can't force you, but I highly recommend you at least go in and get looked at. You might feel okay now, but there could be other conditions that'll show up later." The young paramedic grabbed at his arm and Eric jerked away, immediately regretting the sudden movement. Glancing to his side, he saw that they had Tami on the stretcher, instantly going to work on her. He felt another wave of nausea hit him and he wasn't sure if it was effects from the wreck or the scene playing out in front of him. Tami hadn't moved since the wreck had happened. He wanted answers, but unfortunately they pulled him in the opposite direction of where Tami was being wheeled and he was far too tired to try and fight it. The edges of his vision grew black and everything around him became fuzzy, until it all faded into black.

* * *

"Coach, you awake?" Eric blinked and rubbed his hands over his eyes. He wasn't sure who was standing over him or where he was at. "Eric?" Blinking again, he finally saw the outline of Buddy Garrity. Pain coursed through his head and down his back and he tried to shift to get comfortable but it only accentuated the discomfort.

"Buddy?" He braced himself, trying to get the pain to subside. Even the sound of his own voice sent sharp pangs throughout him. "What the hell happened?"

"Uhh, Eric, you were in a wreck. I don't really know a lot of the details. I just got here myself to see how you guys were doing." Eric wasn't sure if he was noticing things right, but he was almost certain that Buddy was hesitating. Was it that bad that not even Buddy wanted to be the first to talk about it?

Eric tried to sit up but his body felt as if it were being shoved down into the mattress. "You guys? Who else?" He dug deep into his memory but only small flashbacks panned out in his mind. Tami was there, but it was like waking up from a bad dream that was so disheveled. He wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't.

"Coach, I think you need to talk with the doctors. I don't know much."

Eric wanted to get up and walk out, to just remove himself from the situation but it was like an act of congress to even sit up, much less stand. Buddy usually knew everything, so he pretty much knew he was being lied to. His main concern was Tami. He knew she was there, that part was certain. "Dammit, Buddy, you find out or you get someone in here to tell me. Otherwise, I'm getting up and I'll find out myself." Gritting his teeth, he ran the palm of his right hand down the side of his head. With each pulse a sharp ache felt like it was driving through his skull.

"Eric, you need to calm down. I'm sure the doctor is gonna be in here in a minute. He wanted to know when you woke up."

Eric stared up at the ceiling, bracing himself. "Oh, so you have talked to him?"

Before Buddy could answer, a doctor who looked to have just graduated high school entered the room. Buddy gave them their privacy. If he was supposed to reassure Eric, it wasn't working. He looked no older than some of the football players on his team.

"Coach Taylor, I'm Dr. Metzger. I was working the ER when you and your wife got brought in."

If the doctor was expecting a handshake or a hello he wasn't getting it. He had one thing on his mind, and that was Tami. "How's my wife doing?"

Dr. Metzger's face grew solemn and a sudden wave of nausea hit Eric. "Coach, they took her up to surgery a few hours ago. From what I saw in the ER, she had some pretty extensive injuries. I know for sure that she had a couple broken ribs and a broken leg. There was a lot of internal stuff going on. I don't have a lot of the details because they got her in the OR as fast as they could. They said they'd inform me when they knew something."

Eric chewed on the inside of his cheek. So many questions ran through his mind. So many that he couldn't even think a rational thought to gather them. The room was so quiet, the only sound were the monitors near his bedside, monitoring God knew what. All of that seemed so insignificant. Extensive injuries. That could mean anything.

"By extensive injuries, what exactly do you mean?" Eric's own voice seemed different to him, shakier and reserve.

Dr. Metzger adjusted the clipboard he had in hand and ran his hand through his hair. "By extensive I mean that there were a lot of problems. There were some internal injuries that the surgeons were uncertain about." Pausing, he glanced down at his watch. "Look, Eric, she's in good hands. Right now, be focused on getting yourself better. We'll discuss Tami when we have more answers."

Eric stared at the nearest monitor, not even having the slightest clue what it meant. "I'm fine. I'll be amazing when you can tell me something instead of handing me bullshit lines that doctors are trained to do."

"Just to let you know about your condition, you've got a concussion and a few cuts and bruises. We had to stitch up a few gashes on your right arm. We're going to keep you for observation. I need you to try and stay awake as much as you can so we can watch that concussion. Is there anything else we can do for you right now?"

"Did anyone call my daughter Julie?"

Dr. Metzger thumbed through some paperwork. "I'm not sure, but I'll have one of the nurses do that. Do we have her number?"

Eric shrugged and instantly regretted it. For not having that many injuries he sure did feel like he had been thrown through the ringer. "I don't know. It's 555-2195." Looking away, he fought off the sudden exhaustion. Trying to stay awake in this place wouldn't be too hard, there seemed to be people in and out constantly, that and the fact that he couldn't stop worrying about Tami. She had to be okay. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if she didn't come out of this. He was the one driving so he could only blame himself.

* * *

"Wow, your parents have a late night at work or what?" Tyra stood on the front steps of the Taylor home, algebra book in hand. Julie answered the door, her brow creased as she invited Tyra in. "Everything okay, you still up for studying?"

"Uhh, yeah. I'm not sure where my parents are. I've been calling them since like five, and neither one is picking up. I'm sure Dad is just watching film and Mom got caught up in the office or something." Julie paused and picked Gracie up out of her bouncer seat. "It's just weird for neither to answer their phone, that's all."

Nodding, Tyra set her stuff down on the bar. Glancing at her watch, she pursed her lips as she thought about what could possibly be going on and how she could settle Julie down. "Maybe they just decided to go off and have a date, just the two of them or something. No phones, no kids. Parents do that sometimes, ya know."

Julie shook her head no as she chewed on the end of her pencil. "No, not them. They'd at least check on Gracie. They always check in." Her leg bounced up and down and she ran her hands through her hair. Tyra could tell that there was no way they would get any studying down, getting Julie to focus would be like getting Gracie to sit still to attempt the math problems.

"Julie, how about we watch TV or something for a little bit?" Tyra closed her algebra book.

"But you came over to get some studying done."

Tyra glared at her and grabbed her wrist, pulling her up from her chair. "Hon, there's no way it's going to be constructive even if we do try. Let's get your mind off of things by watching something funny. The homework isn't going anywhere."

Before they got to the couch the doorbell rang, making Tyra's heart skip a beat. She stayed back as Julie peered through the peephole. She backed up and took a deep breath, a look of panic on her face. "Tyra, it's the police."


	2. Chapter 2

"Is Coach awake?" Eric heard someone outside his door and he slowly opened his eyes, the bright light sending a sharp pain through his forehead. Closing them, he tried hard to pull the blanket up over his face but it wasn't big enough. He had no concept of time. It felt like he had been in there for a week, but for all he knew it could have been just a few hours. "Eric, you up?"

The voice was unfamiliar so he squinted to try to get a view of who was bothering him. "I'm awake." His voice was raspy and he coughed to clear it.

"It's Dr. Metzger. You awake enough for me to talk to you for a second?"

Eric nodded. "Can you turn that light off first?"

"I'll dim it." The room grew a little darker, alleviating some of the discomfort to Eric's head. "I'm here to talk about your wife." His eyes fell to the floor as he fumbled with some paperwork. By his body language, Eric could tell he didn't have good news. He felt his stomach instantly drop. Was he ready for whatever he was about to hear?

"It's about time." Eric kept his voice low, already sensing that this conversation wasn't going to be an easy one.

Dr Metzger adjusted the white coat he was wearing and let out a deep sigh. "Coach Taylor, I don't have an easy way to say this. Tami passed away about an hour ago. The surgeons did everything they could, but the injuries were just too extensive." He paused and the silence that filled the room was one of the most uncomfortable things that Eric had ever experienced. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Eric couldn't even look at the doctor. He wasn't even sure where to avert his eyes. Focusing on a water spot on the ceiling, he felt his mouth grow dry. Was he dreaming this? Was this some nightmare induced but whatever God awful pain medicine they had him on? He felt warm moisture trickle from the corner of his eye, flowing down the side of his face to his ear. More tears followed and he tried his hardest to control them, but the pain that shot through him was too much and panic set in. Tami was gone. This wasn't a dream. This was reality and he was being forced to face it long before he was ready.

"There's a chaplain that comes by and is on call, I can page him if you need someone to talk to." Dr. Metzger's voice pierced through his thoughts. "Coach, if you need anything or have any questions, we're all here for you."

Eric tried to get his voice to work but he couldn't bring himself to speak. He wasn't ashamed at the fact that he was crying, but he also didn't like the fact that someone was seeing him like that. Wiping the side of his face, he was finally able to bring himself to make eye contact with the younger doctor. "How did she die?"

"There were several possibilities with the injuries she sustained. I can't give an honest answer to that question."

Eric turned his face back to the ceiling and the same spot he had been staring at for however long he had been in the hospital. Licking his lips, his tongue felt like it was brushing across sand paper. It was awkward with him standing in the room. "Can you leave me alone for a few?"

"Sure."

Dr. Metzger made his exit. The room fell silent again, and despite the fact that no one was there, it was still extremely uncomfortable. He tried so hard to not allow himself to become hysteric. Words like 'til death do us part ran through his mind. Who knew it would be so soon? They had been married twenty years, which on paper seemed like a long time, but in reality was no time at all. She wouldn't be there to see Julie graduate. Or to see Gracie take her first steps. She would never see her own daughter' weddings. No sitting on the back porch when they were old and gray, watching the sun go down as their grandchildren played in the yard. No more beautiful smiles on mornings when Eric found the knack to get up and cook her breakfast, catching her completely off guard. It was all gone. Done. One minute she was sitting next to him in the truck and the next she was gone.

More tears stung Eric's eyelids. A few trickled down to his lips. The taste of salt landed on his tongue. He just wanted to get up from his bed and leave. He couldn't lay there another second.

Kicking his legs over the side of the bed, he felt a cold draft as the covers landed beside him on the mattress. Scanning the room, he couldn't find any other clothes to put on. Thankfully he had sweats on under his hospital gown. Bracing himself, he stood up and began to walk to the door. He felt a little dizzy, but it wasn't enough to keep him from getting out of there. He felt a tug on the back of his hand, completely forgetting about the IV. Grimacing, he gripped the port and quickly ripped it from his vein. The machine sent out a loud beep and he ignored it, continuing on and through the door.

"Coach Taylor, where are you going?"

Turning around, Eric saw a short, heavy set lady dressed in scrubs standing at a counter. At the moment he felt so numb and disconnected that he ignored her, not even truly registering what she wanted, nor did he care. Turning back, he continued down the hall. His biggest fear was running into someone like Buddy Garrity or Mayor Rodell. He didn't want to see anyone, he just wanted out of there and to be gone.

"Eric, I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be walking around. Did you pull the IV out?" Dr. Metzger was walking a few steps behind him, his brow creased with concern. "I haven't discharged you yet."

"I'm discharging myself. I can't be here right now." Eric finally stopped himself. He wouldn't admit it, but the short few steps he took were making him winded.

"And where else is there to be? You have a concussion. We need to make sure it's okay before you leave."

"I gotta tell my girls. They gotta hear it from me." Eric looked down at the floor, barely realizing that he didn't even have shoes on or that he didn't have a car to drive. He couldn't lose control, not now. He had two daughters that needed him now more than ever. He ducked his head. "No one has told Julie yet, have they?"

"All I know is that the police went to your house. I don't think they know about your wife's passing yet to tell them. I'll make sure you're the one who lets Julie know. But you really need to go back to your room. Everything looks fine with you, I just want to make sure and properly discharge you, okay?"

Eric nodded. As if hearing about his wife dying in a car wreck, in a car that he was driving nonetheless wasn't hard enough, now he had to find out how and what to say to his daughter. No one is ever prepared to tell their child that their mother has died. He had given so many speeches and talks to confused teenagers before, but nothing to this extent and nothing with so much weighing so heavily on it.

~*~

It felt like hours before Julie had arrived at the hospital. She slowly walked into his room. She had a diaper bag on her shoulder and Gracie in her arms, her face scanning their surroundings. He was sitting up in bed without the TV on. He preferred it that way as he waited. The entire time he tried to think of ways to tell her that she would never see her mother again, but no matter how he twisted the words in his mind, nothing ever sounded right. Nor would they ever.

"Dad, are you okay?" She put the bag down and sat down with Gracie in the chair next to the bed. "Gracie is about to fall asleep, is there somewhere I can lay her?"

"You can lay her beside me, there's room in the bed." Just saying that made his heart beat out of control. It was like speaking to Julie was a new spectrum for him, like this was the first time ever meeting her.

"The cops wouldn't tell me anything. Where's Mom?"

Eric clenched his jaw and grinded his back teeth together. Here it came, whether he was ready for it or not. Giving her the run around would just add fuel to the fire. Taking a deep breath, he looked her straight in the eye, trying to be the strongest he could ever remember being. He was on the verge of breaking down. He had to be tough for the sake of his family.

"Julie, Mom died today." It came out more quiet than he intended, but she heard his words all to clearly. What else could he have said? The silence was harsh and he could have sworn he heard a whimper escape from her throat. Should he console her? Julie was hard to read. Sometimes she took in all the hugging she could get, other times she didn't even want to be looked at. Her eyes welled up and tears began to trickle down her cheeks. Not able to hold his in any longer, he felt the warmth cross his skin as well.

Between breaths she let out a long and exasperated, "How?"

Eric reached out and grabbed her hand. It was cold and clammy. She squeezed his as more cries came from her lips. "I don't remember a lot and no one has really come in to talk to me, but we were in a wreck. That's all I know." Pausing, he chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Julie, I don't have the words to say to make this better, but just know that I love you, okay? I'm sorry this happened."

She didn't respond and ducked her head, her blonde hair covering her face. Just by the way her body was shuttering Eric could tell that she was now weeping. Sitting up farther, he reached out and wrapped his hand around her waist, pulling her closer to him. She leaned in, her arms tight around his neck. Her warm tears soaked through his hospital gown, stinging his skin.

"I'm sorry this happened too, Dad. What are we supposed to do now?" Despite the fact that she was so upset, her words were clear as she spoke into his ear.

Her question hit him hard. What was there to do? For one, he had to get out of the hospital. He felt so vulnerable and weak there. How could he take care of his girls while he was laid up in bed? "I don't know, Julie. I don't know." Their hug grew tighter, and at that very moment, Eric didn't want to let her go. There were no other words that could be spoken. Tami was gone.

~*~

Eric could hear talking but the mottled conversations and voices were indescribable. He couldn't recognize anyway or pinpoint exactly who was in his room and frustration overtook him. Slowly, he opened his eyes to see Julie in the chair next to him, her eyes bloodshot and swollen from what he assumed was a night full of crying. He couldn't blame her; every moment he remembered from the previous few hours were full of his sorrow and regret as well. Buddy Garrity was in the corner, his back turned away as he spoke into what looked like a cell phone. So bad did Eric just want to go back to sleep and wake up again to an empty room. He didn't want to face the town.

"Oh good, Eric, you're up." Buddy closed the face of his phone and put it in his pocket. "I think they're gonna let you leave today, you up for that?"

Eric just stared at him, unsure if Buddy really did ask such a question. "Where's my stuff?"

"It's right here." Julie's voice cracked as she tossed the plastic bag beside him on the bed. Reaching for the Kleenex, she quickly wiped away the moisture on her face. Just by the quick observation, Eric could tell that Julie was taking this a lot harder than he anticipated, but he could blame her.

"Jules, you okay?" Reaching out, he grabbed her hand and squeezed, thankful that she gripped his hand back. "We're gonna get out of here and go home."

"I wish people would just leave us alone." She buried her head down in the arm of the chair, her body quivering. Eric leaned over in the bed and reached out, pulling her in to a tight hug. He glared up at Buddy and instantly felt confused. He wasn't sure if Buddy was there as a genuine friend or if he was there to butt into their business.

"I'll uhh, leave you guys alone. If you need anything I'll be in the waiting room." Buddy paused, his face growing solemn. "I'm truly sorry for your loss, Eric."

He watched as Buddy made his exit and turned his attention back to his oldest daughter. Her tears stung through to his skin. "I'm so sorry, Julie."

Breathing hard, she pulled away and looked him in the eye. "I don't wanna go home." Pursing her lips, she tucked her hair behind her ear. "It's gonna have mom written all over it. But I also don't wanna stay here. I just don't know what to do, Daddy."

"I wish I had the answer to it, but I don't. I don't know, Julie."

Forcing himself up, he noticed he had been disconnected from the IV's. He needed to get motivated to get moving, and the inspiration of being in his own clothes again was enough. He ambled to the bathroom where he changed into a pair of grey sweat pants and an old football t-shirt that Julie had packed before she came to the hospital the night before.

Glancing in the mirror, he didn't recognize the person staring back at him. He looked lost and as if he had not slept for weeks. In all honesty, he really didn't care at the moment. He was lost. He had to find his way out of the darkness that seemed to be blanketed over him and his family. The feeling he was experiencing couldn't even be explained in words. It was as if he was in a long dream, only his body would not wake up from it. No matter how much he yelled at himself to wake up his sleep just got deeper, his dream just got darker, and his sorrow just got uncontrollable. Pulling himself out would be the hardest thing he ever had to endure, but he had two solid reasons why he should. Gracie and Julie. It was just going to take time. Time for all three of them, even though Gracie was young she would still feel the loss of her mom regardless of understanding life and death.

When he came out of the bathroom Dr. Metzger was there along with a nurse. Nodding at them, he sat on the edge of his bed. More awkward tension settled in and he knew their eyes were looking him up and down like a science project. "Coach, we're gonna discharge you today, but before we do, the Dillon Police are wanting to speak with you about the accident."


	3. Chapter 3

Eric's heart sank when he saw the cops standing near the door of the hospital room. Gripping his hospital clothing tight in his hand, he tossed it onto the bed and grabbed his plastic bag full of his belongings. It was the clothes he had on the day of the wreck along with some things that were inside the truck. There were also some of Tami's things, like her purse, her sunglasses, and a pair of earrings. He felt a sudden wave of nausea and fought it off. It was going to take a long time to get over seeing Tami's things, especially when they went back to the house where constant reminders of his wife would be lingering over their heads.

"Coach Taylor, can you give us your version of what happened the day of the wreck?" One of the Dillon cops finally spoke up as he flipped open a notepad and positioned his pen, ready to write down Eric's side of the story.

Scratching his head, Eric tried to remember every detail, but the entire incident was fuzzy. How bad would this make him look if he couldn't tell the cops what they wanted to hear? "I honestly don't remember a whole lot about it."

Dr. Metzger stepped forward. "Before continuing, you are aware that Eric suffered a concussion? That has a lot to do with his memory loss concerning the wreck."

The cop nodded. "Just tell us what you remember. This is just for investigation purposes. We are required to interview all parties involved."

All parties involved. How many were involved? Were others hurt too? Eric needed to sit down but didn't want to look weak and give the doctor any other reason to keep him in the hospital. Looking down at Julie, he tried to relax and not look so tense in front of his daughter who was still obviously in distress. "I uhh, I remember talking to Tami about our last football game, about the forfeit and all, and then I remember hearing us skidding and glass breaking. I vaguely remember the ambulance and the paramedics. That's about it."

The other police officer spoke up as he folded his arms over his chest. "That's it?" His question was full of sarcasm.

Eric could feel his anger flare. "Yes, that's it. What else do you want me to say?"

The sarcastic cop pushed himself off of the threshold of the door, making sure it was pulled shut. "Right now I have to make it clear to you that we've investigated this accident. We've interviewed the other car involved. Thankfully, no one in that vehicle was injured. We were going to wait and rule whose fault it was until we had a chance to talk to you, but since you don't have much information I think we can make a ruling. From the witnesses who saw the crash along with the angles of impact, it is pretty clear that you are at fault for the accident that took place on October thirty first, Coach Taylor."

Eric felt like a ton of bricks toppled on top of him. Tami was gone and now it was official, it was completely his fault. He would have blamed himself regardless of the cop's ruling, but now there was absolutely no dispute. He had caused the wreck that took Tami's life. The walls around him began to close in and he couldn't fight it anymore, he had to sit down and brace himself. He ignored the fact that every person in the room was staring at him. He sat on the edge of the bed and ducked his head, feeling a few tears sting his eyes. He wanted them to all leave, but no one budged.

"Coach Taylor, we hate to do this right now, but we have to issue you a ticket for the accident. There will be no criminal charges pressed on you. The ticket is just procedure."

Eric wiped the back of his hand over his eyes and looked up, disregarding the comment about the ticket or the criminal charges. He could care less about all of that. If he had it his way he would trade places with Tami. It's the least he felt he could do. It's the only thing that would make him ever feel better about it. "Can you tell me exactly what happened?"

"You were traveling northbound on Pentz Road. You ran a stop sign where it intersects with highway forty one. A Chevy Silverado was traveling westbound on highway forty one and t-boned your Ford Explorer." There was a short pause. "We have a report written up that we can give you if you want. It has more detail in it."

Eric ran his hand down the back of his head. He could tell Julie was ready to get away from everyone. Gracie was restless in the rollaway crib. He had to get his family out of here and out of the lime light. "Just issue me the ticket and do what you gotta do so I can get my girls out of here."

~*~

Eric was glad that Buddy Garrity was generous enough to give them a ride back to their house. The drive back from the hospital seemed like an eternity. There was an awkward silence but it was nice that Buddy wasn't talking their ears off. The look on his face was full of sincerity, and Eric knew that he was doing this out of the goodness of his heart. Walking into the front door was going to take a lot of effort but it was the most important step in their recovery. He took a deep breath when Buddy turned his Suburban onto their street. Neighbors houses passed by until their own home was in front of them, the familiar oak tree in the front yard, the white brick, and that front door that suddenly became such a nuisance. And then there was Tami's car sitting in the driveway, untouched, waiting on her return.

Looking down, Eric fumbled with the seat belt. "Hey Bud, I'll help ya carry your stuff in if ya want."

Eric didn't look up at Buddy but nodded. "I'll grab Gracie."

Entering the house was just what Eric had expected. The constant reminder of Tami was there, almost like it was slapping them in the face. Pictures of her were all over the house. Her laptop and paperwork were scattered across the coffee table in the living room. The bedroom would be the hardest. He set Gracie down in her playpen and ambled down the hallway, leaving Julie and Buddy behind him. Swallowing, he entered the room as if he were stepping into an unknown dimension.

It was exactly how it was the day of the wreck, of course. Tami had several shirts laid out on the bed. Eric could remember how she couldn't make up her mind on what to wear, and his growing frustration of it seemed so insignificant now. At the time he couldn't understand why she was having such a hard time deciding, since they were just going for a trip to the store. That was women though. Doubt settled within him again. How was he going to do this? How was he going to get over it? He had seen movies where the spouse was forced to go on, but those were just movies, this was real life, and he never thought he would have to deal with it so soon.

"Dad, uhh, how long do you think Buddy's gonna be here?" Julie's voice made him jolt out of his daydream. She wiped her nose with a Kleenex and looked down at the floor. "It's kinda awkward in there with him alone."

Eric nodded at her and forced a small smile. "I'll be there in a minute, Jules, just give me a sec."

She ducked her head and left and Eric stared at the bed that wasn't made. Sleeping alone. That was something he had not had to do in years. He made his way back into the living room, searching for a way to get Buddy to leave without sounding ungracious about the things his friend had done for them. He just needed to be alone and he could tell Julie did too.

"Hey Buddy, thanks for the ride and stuff, I appreciate it." Eric stuck his hand out and Buddy returned the handshake.

"It's no problem, Eric, anything you need. You know I'm just a phone call away." Buddy paused and ran his hands through his hair. "Listen, do you need anything to eat or anything? I'm sure there's plenty of people around town who'd be willing to cook and stuff. I know you got a lot coming up with the uhh, funeral planning and all."

Eric looked up. The comment about the funeral caught him off guard. That never crossed his mind. It was in fact, his duty to do the planning. He was sure her family would come in from Dallas, but their time in Dillon was uncertain and he really felt like he should be the one to do it anyway. He owed it to Tami. He just didn't know where to begin; he never had to plan a funeral.

"Damn Buddy, the funeral planning totally slipped my mind."

Buddy scoffed and patted Eric on the back. "That's understandable. Don't worry about it. You sure you guys don't need anything?"

Eric shook his head yes. "For now we're good, I think we're gonna try and get some rest and stuff for now, spend some time together. Again, we thank you." Eric tried to give him the hint to leave by walking to the front door. "I'll give you a call tomorrow sometime. Have a good night."

Buddy thankfully got the hint and left. Silence overtook the Taylor house. Julie had gone into her room and shut the door and Gracie had fallen asleep in her playpen. Eric leaned against the closed door. He was overwhelmed. He felt panicked, like the walls around him were closing in. He was like a mouse stuck in a box and he had to find his way out. His heart began to race as tears stung his eyes. He had held in the crying as much as he could. He didn't want Gracie or Julie to see him that way, but now there was no control over it. It was finally setting in. He knew Tami had passed away but now it was sinking in. He would never see her alive again. He felt the moisture pour down his cheeks as a few tears lingered on his lips. He could taste the saltiness as he tried to wipe them away with his hands.

Sliding to the floor, he buried his head in his hands and wept uncontrollably.

He never heard the door open, but when he looked up Julie was sitting in front of him, her face tear soaked as well. "Daddy, I'm so sorry." Her hand gripped his tightly. He leaned forward and pulled her into a tight hug. She exhaled and he felt her warm breath sting his skin. "What are we gonna do?"

At first he was embarrassed that his oldest daughter saw him in that condition, but that quickly faded when he felt her arms wrap around his neck. He needed this. Despite the fact that he was her father, there was no shame in getting comfort from his child. From now on his support system was his two children. Crying was human nature. There was no need to be ashamed.

"Julie, I'm sorry this happened. It's all my fault."

Julie pushed off of his chest and looked him in the eye. "Dad, I don't ever wanna hear you say that again." She brushed her hair behind her ear. "This is not your fault. It was her time."

"The cops ruled the wreck my fault, Julie. How is it not my fault?"

Julie pursed her lips and slid back on the floor. Taking in a deep breath, her eyes scanned the entryway. "It was her time to go, regardless of how it happened. I understand that you're gonna blame yourself, but Dad, you can't let it consume you. Please, Gracie and I need you. No one is gonna blame you for her death."

Eric rested his head on the door and closed his eyes as more tears escaped from under his eyelids. "I love you Julie." He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close to his side again. It was amazing how much comfort he felt with her near.

"I love you too, Daddy." At that moment, Eric didn't ever want to let her go.


	4. Chapter 4

Eric walked into Gracie's room, making sure she was asleep. She was nestled deep in her covers, her eyes closed. He ran his hand over her head, her soft hair smooth under his fingertips. She looked so much like Tami, especially when she slept. Julie had fallen asleep in his arms and he was able to avert himself to not wake her, and he left her there so she could get some rest.

The house was silent. The sound of the air conditioner hummed in Eric's ear as he ambled down the hallway into his room. His room. Not his and Tami's. Just his. He stopped at the threshold and stared in, taking notice to some of Tami's clothes scattered on the bed. Finally allowing his legs to move, he walked in, getting a clear view of the bathroom. On the counter sat her makeup, her curling iron and blow dryer, her toothbrush, everything left behind the morning of the wreck. Everything remained the same, waiting for Tami to come back and use again.

He leaned against the wall and just stared at his surroundings. Even Tami's scent lingered around him. Her subtle perfume, the soap she used in the bathroom, everything. Things that he didn't notice on a day to day basis, and now regretted it.

The bathroom door was open so he walked in and looked at her red bath robe hanging on the hook behind the door. All of her toiletries were arranged neatly on the vanity. He felt a tear sting his eye and warm his cheek as it trickled down his skin. He had to brace himself on the bathroom counter as he leaned over and fought off the sobs that escaped from him yet again. Closing the lid on the toilet, he sat down and stared at the wall across from him. When was the uncontrollable crying going to stop?

His cell phone buzzed in his pocket and he grabbed it, not wanting to answer it when he saw who it was on the caller ID. It was his mom. He had not heard from her in awhile and wasn't sure if he could take her kindness and condolences at the moment, despite the fact that she meant well.

"Hello?" He tried to hide the fact that he was crying, but his voice cracked and his mom could always pick up on his moods, even on the phone.

"Eric, hon, how is everyone holding up?" She was forcing herself to be cheery.

Eric stepped out of the bathroom and fell back onto the bed. "How do you think, Mom?"

"Do you guys need anything?"

Eric ran his thumb over his eyebrow and watched the ceiling fan spin above him. "I think we're good. The town of Dillon has been overly gracious, believe me."

"Well, your father and I will be headed your way in the morning. We're gonna leave bright and early, so expect us around ten or so."

He closed his eyes at the thought of his parents being there for more than an evening. He loved them but he could only take so much of his dad's constructive criticism before it was time to send them packing back to Lubbock. He was sure his dad would be full of thoughts and theories on the wreck and how if Eric would have done just one thing differently, Tami would still be alive and well.

"Okay Mom, I guess we'll see you in the morning." He paused. "Thanks for calling."

"You're welcome, hon. Try to get some rest. Being in the hospital has gotta wear you out. And we've gotta do the funeral planning and things tomorrow. You need to be on your A game."

Her comment hit him like a punch to the stomach. Sometimes he despised how brutally honest she could be. He was aware of what needed to be done, he just refused to allow himself to think about that particular thing until it was time to. "I'll see you tomorrow." He closed the face of his phone and tossed it onto the nightstand, unable to move any farther for the time being. Sleep was going to be an unknown dimension to him. His body was exhausted but his mind was running a mile a minute. Sleep. His mom was crazy to think he would get anything near that.

~*~

"Dad? Dad?" Eric rolled over on his side, wondering if the voice he heard was in his dream. For a split second he could swear he was seeing Tami's face but he blinked and saw Julie's face above him. "Dad, Joe McCoy is at the door."

Sitting up, he tilted the alarm clock and saw that it was almost eight thirty. He had no intention of dozing off. "Okay, I'll deal with him." Groaning, he ran his hand through his hair to make it look somewhat decent but he wasn't fooling anyone. "Be thinking about what you want for supper, I know Gracie's gotta be starving."

Julie bit her bottom lip. "Dad, I already fed her. She woke up crying so I made her some noodles. I uhh, didn't wanna wake you."

"You didn't have to do that, Jules." He rubbed his eye with the palm of his hand and yawned. "Did you at least eat something?"

She nodded. "Some yogurt. Not really hungry." She paused. "Joe McCoy is waiting."

"Oh yeah." Eric let out a heavy sigh and walked to the entryway where Joe, Katy, and JD stood with a large bouquet of flowers and what looked like a pot full of stew. Eric disliked the McCoy's but tried to hide the fact that he wasn't comfortable with them in his home. He was in no mood for visitors, much less Joe with his fake smiles and his glitzy clothes. He wasn't here because he cared, he was here to gloat.

"Hey, Coach, we just wanted to come by and give our condolences. We are sorry for your loss." Joe extended his hand and Eric hesitated, but returned the handshake. "Katy was kind enough to make you guys some stew if you want and here's some flowers." JD held out the vase but Eric didn't take them.

"Give it a rest, McCoy." Eric folded his arms over his chest, his temper flaring. "You and I both know damn well that you aren't here out of the kindness of your heart. I never once was able to call you friend and now you come into my home and pretend to show some gratitude. You are insulting me under my own roof." Eric ran his fingers through his hair and gritted his teeth. "Can I ask you something? What exactly are you getting out of this? How is this helping you up the booster ladder at West Dillon?"

Joe's posture tensed and his eyes widened. "Eric, we truly wanted to come help out if we could. You can take the food if you want or not, but we are all here for you. I'm sure you'd do the same if the situation were reversed."

Eric looked down at the floor, ducking his head as if he had been defeated. "Well Joe, it's not now is it? You get to go home with Katy. I'll never see Tami again." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Please leave."

Katy grabbed Eric's arm, placing the bowl of soup in his hand. "Please, take the food. I'm sure your girls would love a home cooked meal."

Eric looked up at the lady who was once close with his wife. At least she was some form of a friend to Tami. "Thanks for taking the time to cook. I do appreciate that, Katy." He looked down at the floor, ducking his head in defeat. The McCoy's made their exit and he stood alone in the hallway, a container of warm food against his skin. Guilt overtook him but his anger outweighed it. He despised Joe McCoy with every ounce of his being, especially after everything that happened.

"Dad, is everything okay?" Julie was in the living room with Gracie on her lap. They were watching a cartoon.

He put the food in the refrigerator and sat down in his recliner, not responding to Julie. Gracie waved at him and tried to get his attention but his mind was elsewhere. Staring at the TV, he watched the colorful graphics pan across the screen but he wasn't comprehending the show. His mind raced a mile a minute. In all honesty, he wasn't sure he could get through the next week in one piece.

~*~

Turning over in bed, Eric jolted out of a deep sleep and a very confusing dream. It was about Tami and the wreck but it was so jumbled that he couldn't put it together to make anything of it. He watched as headlights danced across his ceiling until they faded away, his room growing dark again except for the faint streetlight that cascaded in his room and the red from the alarm clock. It was three AM and he probably had slept for about an hour.

Kicking his legs over the side of the bed, he dug his toes into the carpet. He walked to the kitchen and rummaged through the pantry. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten. The last true meal was before the wreck, steaks that Tami had made. Damn could that woman make a juicy steak. Other than that it was the grotesque hospital food. He definitely hadn't had a bite to eat since he had been home, nor did it sound appealing. He just didn't have an appetite.

He found his way to his liquor cabinet and selected a bottle of scotch. He didn't even bother with a glass, he just took a big swallow directly from the bottle. Maybe it would help him sleep. It burned down his throat to his stomach, but it was a comforting feeling. He gripped the neck of the bottle tightly and went into the living room. He ran his fingers over pictures on the shelves that were illuminated by just enough light to see. He had looked at these pictures a thousand times. One of him and Tami on their wedding day. One of the family that was taken recently of all four of them. He took another long pull off of the bottle and replaced the lid, sticking it back up in the cabinet. The last thing he wanted to be was hungover when his parents showed up bright and early. Knowing his father they were already awake and on their way.

He got back in bed and buried his head in the pillow, engulfing himself in the small hint of Tami's scent that was left on the surface of the fabric. If he pretended hard enough, he could almost feel her body lying right next to him again as if this had all been one horrible nightmare he had just woken up from.

~*~

Eric got up around six forty five to make sure he looked presentable for when his parents arrived. The last thing he wanted to hear was that he was depressed and sleeping too much when in reality that wasn't the case. He hated to do it, but he woke up Julie and Gracie as well.

"Dad, why are we up so early?" Julie was allowing Gracie to sleep on her shoulder. "Are Grandma and Grandpa really gonna be here this early?"

"I don't know, I'm about to call and find out where they are. It's obvious you don't know your grandpa very well." He dialed his mom's phone number.

"Hello?"

"Hey Mom, you guys on your way?"

"Yeah, we'll be there in about thirty minutes. We're gonna stop at the grocery store and get some things for breakfast. I'm sure the girls would like a big meal."

Eric clenched his jaw. Why did everyone think his girls wanted to eat so much? He could feed them if need be. "Okay, we'll see you in a few." He closed the face of his phone. "Get Gracie dressed and ready. They'll be here soon."

Julie rolled her eyes. "Okay Dad, it's not like I don't have to get ready either. I don't need a shower or anything."

Eric ignored her and took a quick shower. He put on a pair of jeans and a red East Dillon t-shirt. His timing was perfect. His mom and dad had arrived the second he walked into the kitchen. He opened the front door and was instantly greeted with a huge hug from his mom. Her embrace was tight and he looked at his dad over her shoulder. His intense facial expression never changed over the thirty eight years that Eric knew the man. That look was one full of criticism and lecture, one that said, 'Eric, you could do so much better. If you would have tried a little harder you wouldn't be in this situation.'

"Good Lord Eric, you look like you haven't slept a wink."

Eric nodded toward his father. "Hey Dad."

"Eric."

"Where are my grandbabies?" His mom was much too upbeat for the situation. "I want to see my beautiful granddaughters." She went down the hallway, leaving Eric alone with his dad.

"Come in and have a seat." Eric led him to the living room. "It's good to see you. I appreciate you guys coming to help out."

"It's just a shame why we have to come like this, Eric." He sat down on the couch.

"You need anything to drink or anything?" Eric wasn't sure why he was trying to impress his father. He was never good enough for him, what would change now?

"No thank you." He paused and crossed his legs, his eyes surveying the room. "So I hear the wreck was your fault, Son."

Eric chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to compose himself. Now wasn't the time to fight with him. "Yes sir, it was."

His dad leaned back and folded his arms over his chest. "How on earth could you run a stop sign, Eric?"

Eric would have been lying if he was surprised by his father's question. It was the same question that had been running through his mind since the night it happened and he knew that pretty much everyone else in Dillon was wondering the same thing. He just didn't have the answer to it.

Before Eric could respond his dad stood up and grasped Eric's shoulder, gripping it tightly. "Ah hell, Son, I know accidents happen. It's just a damn shame, damn shame."

Eric chewed on the inside of his cheek and walked to the kitchen. The coffee pot was finally done and he poured himself a huge cup of the steamy liquid. Though his dad didn't blatantly say he was sorry, Eric knew that was his form of an apology for being so harsh. It was like that since he could remember. Deep down though, Eric didn't want the "I'm sorry's" or the apologies. He didn't deserve remorse or condolences. He deserved to be treated that way. It was his stupidity that got his family into this and nothing was every truly going to get them out.


End file.
